March 30, 2014

A Single Mom's Open Letter to the Men Who Hate Us

Dear "Freelance Writer" attempting to give dating advice to men,

I recently read your article and immediately responded with an anger filled retaliation. So let me try again...I actually thoroughly enjoyed reading what you had to say since it gave me such real insight into what a mans (especially one who seems to know it all) viewpoint is on ladies like myself. How silly of me.

You start by saying how we're stuck in 18+ years of Hell but I beg to differ. I don't know if I would exactly categorize "having a child" as being hellish. I mean yes there are days when you may run into temper tantrums and messes but the cuddles, the never-ending love, the bedtime stories, the innocent smile they give you as they wrap their tiny arms around your neck makes it all worthwhile.

You're right my child is my top priority. If I happen to meet the right guy I will place him pretty high up there on my priority list (possibly even before a clogged toilet) but he will never surpass my offspring. A mothers love for her child is strong but it doesn't mean her heart can't hold enough love for a man too. Have you ever been married?? Because I think that tends to be the same situation after a married couple has kids which is why "date nights" usually diminish to far and few between.

Never Available. Okay so we're busy but again for the right guy we can make time. Plus, I guess a clingy overly-available chick who has no life sounds much more appealing. Wait is that her calling your cell again today for the 10th time in a row?!

The Ex/Baby Daddy is always there. Wow you really do know what you're talking about. It obviously took two of us to make her so I do still have to deal with him sometimes. Luckily he has his own life, own girlfriend and even though it's a work in progress we're working on the co-parenting thing. It's not the ideal situation but I want someone who can accept that. I'm not the jealous type so I don't expect you to be either. And we're not together anymore for a reason so there's nothing to be jealous of anyway.

The Kids are working against you. For now I've kept my dating life and my life as a mom completely separate. I've dated a few guys and not one of them have met my daughter. I have yet to introduce anyone to her not only because I haven't made it past the two month mark but I want to wait until I'm absolutely certain it's going to be long term.

Entitled Attitude. You said, "Single mothers think because she had a baby out of wedlock the world owes her EVERYTHING." I only work a mere 35 hours a week as an occupational therapy assistant before that I was working 45 so that I could start saving some money for grad school. Oh and I also work part-time doing freelance writing, sponsored ad reviews on my blog, and I write for Mommy Poppins Connecticut. I don't collect welfare, food stamps, WIC or any other government assistance. I don't take handouts and I pride myself in being an independent woman who can support and take care of myself. But you better be damn ready to treat me like a Queen...because I'm ready to treat you like a King. But when I say that I don't mean I want you to take me to the finest restaurants and buy me and my daughter expensive things. No I just want you to be here for me. I want your loyalty. I want you to ask me how my day was. I want you to bring me orange juice when I'm sick or rub my back after a long week. I want to cook dinner together or put on a pretty dress and go dancing. I'm a hopeless romantic and am willing to give that much back to you. I just want the same things those single ladies without kids want....but who am I kidding I popped out a kid so according to you I don't deserve any of that.

Distorted Self Image. "Single mothers are the type to try to squeeze themselves into sexy outfits like low-rise jeans and cropped T-shirts to show off their belly button, not seeing the muffin top and stretch marks squeezing out over the top of their pants." Damn I hate when my muffin top hangs out. What a waste of a gym membership. P.S.- Single ladies when you're pregnant cocoa butter works wonders.

Drama Queen. Oh yes I love drama. Thrive on it. I actually stay at home watching soap operas and taking notes of how to create it and then I magically find time between dropping my daughter off at school, cooking dinner, dance classes and cleaning to act out these fun sounding "woe is me" theatrical scenes you speak of.

Ya' know I try my best and its a shame because she really does look so unhappy.

I mean she's growing up this sad deprived life and not having both parents is all that matters right? Who cares that I tuck her in every night and we've never missed a story, she has healthy home cooked meals on the table, she's such an incredibly smart girl because I put in the time and effort, we play dolls together, I teach her the importance of manners and kindness. None of that matters since I'm just a single mom. She could have parents who are still together like this couple here....that ratchet mama still wit her baby daddy so its alllll good right, G?

When I was 21 I remember thinking, "I would never date a guy that has kids." I was young, immature and my main priority was going out. Settling down was not even a consideration. I dated "boys" who also were in a similar mindset. The thought of dating a single parent was not an option and why should it be? Their lifestyle is not compatible with the bar scene. But as you age and mature your life changes. And as a "boy" grows into a "real man" his views begin to change as well....and a classy, hardworking single mom might not be such a bad thing.

Your truly,
Single Mom


  1. Why not just date a single father? Single parents should only date pother single parents.

    Also, you can keep your dating life separate from your kids until they're 18. Essentially just live a double life, by dating only when the kids are with the father.

  2. More straw man arguments, assumptions, and shaming tactics. The article you're responding to is two years old.

    I never said I was giving dating advice. The point of the piece was to list the reasons why Real Men avoid single mothers. I don't claim to know everything, I merely stated what I observed from my opinion and from the experiences of other men I have listened to.

    You don't know what hell is. It's all good when they're little. But call me when your child turns 13 or 14 and is making you crazy.

    1. I read your article Shawn, and as a single mum myself I have to say that I wasn't offended by your post. Actually what I read was the article of a man who clearly knows what he doesn't want from a relationship...nothing wrong with that. What I find interesting about your article though is that instead of owning that, you put the blame on single mothers. What I did think was a little offensive perhaps about your post was the assumption that most single mums are just plain and simple, whores who just can't get it together....which just isn't true.

    2. I completely agree! I don't see anything wrong with him not wanting to date a single mom. That's his own preference...when I was younger and single I has the same viewpoint but I would never disrespect or put down a single parent. I think it's so ignorant that he groups us all into the same category. He's so judge mental and were not all the same. His way of thinking is sad really.

  3. I love this! Thanks for sticking up for single moms. This man obviously had a bad experience and is now taking out his anger on everyone. Single hard working moms should not be classified into a bad category just because there are some out there who are ghetto and grimey.

  4. I can totally relate to this. It's a shame there still is that double standard.
    I know there are still a few good men out there. But if they never find us, it doesn't matter. They're the ones missing out, not us.

  5. You single moms are the worst! I just got out of a relationship with a single mom, she never was available and I waited weeks to see her. Guess what, relationships with single moms are not worth it. Kinda hard when she isn't there.......

  6. Single mothers are not as desirable as women without children. Woman love children, men love their own children. Single moms are better off dating single dads.
    Most childless men, within a certain age..... do want their own kids one day, dating a single mom can reduce this number, if they want any at all. They might consider themselves done.

    Whatever women say about being financially dependent and being able to look after their own kids, if a guy gets serious and moves in, or even marries her... He will be financially supporting another mans child, whether it be contributing to the food/supermarket shop, mortgage, birthday/Xmas gifts, school activities, clothes, using gas to drive them from A to B....It's going to happen, the kid will be an expense no matter how self sufficient the mother claims to be.

    Not all kids are accommodating to a new man in their moms life, let's face it, a new guy Is a roadblock in the way of their parents getting back together .... and if the kid(s) start to work against you, no matter how unfair the scenario is... The mom is going to take the kids side no matter what. Being a step parent is a thankless job. Kids can play things to their own advantage and win.

    Then there is the ex factor. A lot of guys are not comfortable having a guy who used to have sex with their girlfriend constantly in the background. The child is a permanent reminder of this. Getting drawn into arguments, or having to patiently wait whilst mother & father disappear for their 'little chats' ... No matter if he's moved on, or still wants to be with the mother... The guy has a biological tie to her , it just adds a new layer of complexity to a relationship.

    There's no point in single moms talking down these points like they are nothing, or don't matter. They are all extra complexities that don't exist when dating childless women.
    They often throw the bone that only 'real men date women with children. Rubbish. It's just a preference. Some women won't date a man who is short... Or live with their parents, or don't earn a high salary.
    The father of the child should be the 'Real man' in the child's life, and general guys should not be put down for wanting to meet someone else they can settle down and have their own kids with, instead of picking up the tab for junior.


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